Helga and the Chalupa
by Nikki Narcissist
Summary: After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine, Helga, begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to... R
1. Oh no she diint!

**A/N: This is the first **_**HA!**_** Fanfic that I'm putting up. It's completely random, crazy, stupid, and anything else you guys want to describe it as, and I'm pretty much making this up as I go along, but that's really okay with me, haha. I've decided to set it pre-confession, just because I don't want to have to deal with the awkwardness of post-confession. I mean, I love the awkwardness, but this little ficcy is purely for my own (and hopefully your) entertainment, so I figure we don't need anything super-angst filled or cutesy. It's kind of like a sequel to the episode when Helga sleepwalks. Anyways, enjoy, and please read and review! **

**Summary: After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine, Helga, begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to a life of hallucinations with incredibly large chins?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Hey Arnold!**_** characters, settings, etc. Viacom, Nickelodeon, Snee-oosh, and Craig Bartlett do. I also do not own Taco Bell, and I'm almost positive that anything and everything I write about them is untrue, so don't sue me for spreading "slanderous rumors" or whatever, I highly doubt that this would EVER happen. Because Taco Bell is better than that! Yeah!**

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Helga POV 

The wind whistled through the open car window, drowning out Miriam and Big Bob's off-key rendition of "Barbie Girl". As we slowed down at a stoplight, I could hear Miriam's pathetically girly, "Oh, I love you, Ken!" before she turned around to speak to me.

"Helga, sweetie, aren't you glad we took this little family outing?" she asked in her normal ditzy drawl. I scowled darkly as the light turned green and Big Bob hit the gas.

"Why couldn't we just eat your slop at home like usual?" I growled. Her face fell, and she turned back around as "I'm Too Sexy" began. She and Big Bob joined their warbling voices with the already painfully horrendous din. "It's not like we'll be any more of a family at Taco Bell than we are at home." I muttered darkly as we screeched into the parking lot.

I suppose I should retrace my steps over the last half-hour or so.

So here it is.

No, wait.

We have to wait for the funny fog stuff that means it's time for a flashback, then we can—oh, wait, there it is…

_I climbed the steps to my house, my eyes watering as the bitter wind stung my nose and bare fingers. Flinging the door open, I called out, "Miriam, I'm home!"_

_I was pretty late getting in, because Eugene got himself stuck in a tree again, and Arnold was being his obnoxiously helpful self and made us all "work together to achieve our goal!" or whatever it was. How I hate that boy, always trying to get us to "look on the bright side". What an annoying little goody-two-shoes. I don't even know _where_ that saying comes from. I mean, _I_ wear two shoes. Does that make _me_ a goody-two-shoes? No. Just Arnold. Arnold with his two shoes and his strangely elliptical head and his hair that shimmers like the noonday sun, or like a freshly-picked lemon, or a freshly-picked lemon _in_ the noonday sun, and his noble air and openness about his feelings, and his constant disregard for his own well-being, and…_

_Oh, right. The story. Where was I? Flinging the door open? Right._

_I trudged into the kitchen, where Miriam had fallen asleep with a half-drunk smoothie in her hand. The clock read 6:17. I tapped my slumbering mother on the shoulder, and she awoke with a start._

"_Oh, Helga, you're home…" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes and re-adjusting her glasses. I noticed her eyes flicker towards the clock, then widen in panic as she realized that Big Bob would be home in 13 minutes and she hadn't prepared dinner yet. She opened her mouth to speak again, paused, then decided against it and stood up. "You should get your coat, Helga… we're gonna just… go out to eat tonight."_

And here we are now, in the parking lot of Taco Bell, Miriam searching for her purse in the trunk and Big Bob and myself scowling, both of our unibrows furrowed in frustration with our moderately dim-witted companion.

"I found it!" Miriam yelled triumphantly, holding up a small green handbag. Big Bob rolled his eyes at her, leading us both into the restaurant.

After we had each placed our respective orders and sat down in the dirty, slowly deteriorating booth, the awkward conversation began.

"So, Olga," began Big Bob, "This is nice, huh? A nice, wholesome meal out with the family."

"Um, first of all,_dad_, I'm Helga, and second of all, in case you hadn't noticed, we're eating at a _Taco Bell, _for cripes' sake!" I spat, my eyes bulging slightly like they always do when I get angry. I hate that about me, my eyes are so bulgy.

"Hey, hey, hey! Don't raise your voice at me, young lady!" he bellowed. I scowled and turned away, lifting my Chalupa Supreme to my lips. Just as I was about to take a bite, Miriam placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Now, Helga. Don't get all pouty. Your father just wants us all to have a good time together." She murmured, trying to coax me out of my attitude.

"Yeah, sure, now can I eat my food, _please_?" I retorted, glaring at her. She pulled her hand away and turned her gaze to the greasy taco in front of her. Again I raised the chalupa to my mouth, taking a huge bite and wiping a dollop of sour cream from the corner of my mouth. I chewed in silence, swallowed, then cringed. It was the vilest thing I had ever _tasted_. It was like a cyanide burrito or something, I wanted to vomit. I felt the edges of my vision go blurry as the sour taste, still lingering on the edge of my senses, seemed to penetrate my mind. Nervously, I peeled open the chalupa, and gazed down upon the source of the sourness: inside of the chalupa, hidden amongst the regular ingredients, was a large, slimy green caterpillar, its head bitten off and its back legs still wiggling feebly. I stood up, wobbling on my feet for a moment, and then collapsed into a heap on the floor. The last thing I remember is Miriam's shoes walking towards me, then, nothing.

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**A/N: Gosh, I hope you liked it! I'm sorry it was kinda short, and maybe a little boring. I guess the purpose of this one wasn't so much to entertain as to explain how it all started. The next one will probably be a lot better, and a lot longer (so get ready)! Anyways, like I said, review please, no flames, and if you have critiques, try and be relatively nice, please. I'm kinda sensitive, haha. I'll update soon, probably by Monday. I love you all!**


	2. Rich hospitals can AFFORD these pillows

**A/N: Thanks to Sarah, Arnolds Love, Hellerick Ferlibay, Acosta Perez Jose Ramiro, and Pointy Objects! You guys are the best, thanks for your amazing reviews and suggestions. Speaking of suggestions, Hellerick Ferlibay felt that I should change my name—Obviously, I did. Sorry if anyone got confused! I change my name often; sometime I should put up a list of **_**all **_**my previous names, haha. Also, I'm sorry if anyone ever sounds OOC. I don't usually write in POV, I usually just do third person, so this is kind of new for me, just let me know if I screw something up, haha. But anyways, here's chapter two! Enjoy!**

**Summary: After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to a life of hallucinations with incredibly large chins?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Hey Arnold! **_**If I did, I think I'd be the happiest girl alive. You know what would also make me the happiest girl alive? Meeting Craig Bartlett. He's a genius. Anyways, still don't own **_**HA!**_** sadly.**

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Helga POV 

"Mind saying that in English?"

I could hear Big Bob's gruff voice above me, although concentrating was made especially hard by the fluorescent lights above me. A gentle female voice responded.

"There should be no long-term effects; however, she may be slightly delusional and suffer short-term memory loss."

I opened my eyes slightly, squinting at the light, then tried to sit up. Splitting pain erupted in my head, but I managed to stay up. I glanced around the room, ignoring the rhythmic ache in my blonde cranium. I was in a small, meticulously sterile hospital room. I placed a hand to my head, feeling bandages.

"…The _heck_?" I muttered. Miriam turned to me, but Big Bob was still conversing with the doctor, going over the costs. All I could really hear of their conversation was, "…free beepers for your whole family if you take it down a couple hundred dollars."

"Helga, are you feeling okay, sweetie?" Miriam asked, fluffing my pillows a little. I nodded, pleased at the small amount of attention. I was about to ask what happened, where I was, and why I was here, when I was enveloped by a whirl of blonde hair and plaid.

"Baby sister! Oh, I'm so glad you're okay!" I could head Olga squealing in my ear as I felt the wind knocked out of me. I squirmed under her firm embrace.

"Crimeny, Olga! How am I supposed to get better when I'm being _suffocated _by you?" I barked, pushing her away. As usual, she didn't take the hint, and giggled.

"Oh, you're such a silly, Baby Sister!"

I rolled my eyes as she began bustling around the stuffy room, doing who-knows-what. When that girl is around, I swear, it's like getting shoved in a dryer and coming out all static-y. I mean really, you can't even _breathe_. It's crazy. You know what else is crazy? This entire simile. A_dryer_?Who the heck writes this stuff, anyways, a chimp? No, I take that back, a chimp would probably come up with something better than _a dryer. _

So anyhow, while Olga was busy chatting up some cute intern, I refocused on the task at hand. I cleared my throat loudly, trying to get someone's attention, but Big Bob was still trying to bargain with the doctor like he was the freakin' Priceline Negotiator (the doctor, though, looked _a lot _like Dr. Bliss. Talk about crazy, huh?) and Miriam was… well... I don't really know. Her head was cocked at a strange angle and her eyes were glazed over. I thought I saw her drooling. Fallen asleep standing? Most likely. Anyways, they were doing that, and Olga was still flirting, so I just sort of sat there until they rolled in someone else next to me. I guess maybe I was in some recovery room or something? I don't know much about hospitals, but I guess there has to be _somewhere _for stabile patients to go until they woke up or paid their bills or whatever. Maybe it was like a medical prison: "You don't pay us, we never let you out! Mwahahahaha!"

Talk about creepy.

So right, they rolled in another patient, some funny looking Asian guy with glasses and a bandaged head. I heard his doctors muttering something about his "family notified" and "on their way". I cleared my throat loudly, then again, and again. Needless to say, I got pretty mad that no one was paying attention to me. What a family, right? I mean _come on_, I have a freakin' bandage on my head, I have _no_ idea where I am, and what are they doing? Haggling, flirting, and_sleeping_. Yup, great family.

"What in the _world_ is going on here?" I yelled. That got their attention (and woke up the Asian guy, who began screaming something in what might have been Vietnamese). Apart from his frantic howling, there was silence. Then Big Bob spoke.

"What exactly do you remember from last night?" he inquired. I thought back. There was Barbie Girl in the car, then Taco Bell, then…

I screamed, my piercing shrieks drowning out the strange maybe-Vietnamese guy.

"I BIT OFF A FREAKIN' CATERPILLAR'S HEAD!!" I yelped, burying my face in my pillow, my muffled shouting still reaching them loud and clear through Egyptian cotton and goose down. It was actually a pretty fancy pillow for a hospital. "YOU JUST _HAD_ TO TAKE US OUT FOR A NIGHT AS A FAMILY TO _TACO BELL_!!"

I really don't think I have to tell you how pissed I was. After I had quieted down a bit, Big Bob turned back to the Doctor and continued with his discussion. Olga rushed to my side.

"Oh, baby sister, don't worry, Daddy's suing Taco Bell for all they're worth!" she said, trying to reassure me. I blinked slowly, confused, as something came to me.

"So wait… wait… what are you _doing_ here? You're supposed to be away in college!" I spat. She grinned at me, piercing my cold, bitter heart with nauseating, sunshine-y fluff. Pretty good, huh? I should do this whole "narrative" thing for a living.

"Well, when I heard what happened, I couldn't help but rush to my defenseless baby sister's side!" she giggled. I stared up at her angrily.

"One more question… if I ate a caterpillar, why do I have a bandage on my _head_?"

"Well, Helga," she began, stretching out my name in the same brainless way she always does, "Apparently you hit your head pretty hard on the floor, and you needed a few stitches. It's lucky that young man was around and called 911."

She pointed to the corner, and for the first time, I noticed that Brainy was sitting in a small blue chair, watching me and wheezing in the way he always does. Honestly, he was lucky my hospital gown was open in the back, or else I would've gone over and punched him, just for being there. I mean, I was thankful, but he's just so punch-able. It's like, in the same way that some people make you want to hug them, he makes you want to wring his scrawny little neck.

I sat back into the pillows, frowning and uninterested. All of a sudden, the doors flung open.

"There you are, Mr. Hyunh you amazing, life-saving man, you!"

I swear I could've passed out. After the crazy old man ran to the bedside of the maybe-Vietnamese man, Mr. Hyunh, the only person left in the doorway was Arnold.

Arnold, my love, my heart's desire, the object of my girlhood dreams, the target of _all_my affection, my one purpose in life. Arnold, whose face has haunted me night and day, and whose sparkling green eyes have watched over me like the warm rays of sun, keeping me sane in a world of gloomy darkness. Arnold, who… was now walking towards his grandpa and Mr. Hyunh, instead of running to me. I shrank back into my hospital bed, hoping he wouldn't see me, despite my longing to hear his sweet voice cooing love poems as he spoon-fed me chicken soup and nursed me back to health. Crossing my fingers, I prayed to God, Buddha, _anyone_, that he wouldn't notice me, but no avail. As he passed my bed, he did a sort of double take, his perfect little mouth falling open.

"_Helga_? What're you doing here? Are you alright?" he asked, coming to my side. It was all I could do to keep the scowl on my face.

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine and dandy, couldn't be better—what do _you_ think, Football-Head?" I responded sourly.

"Well, I was just wondering, since, you know, you're in a hospital and all…"

"There was a caterpillar in my Chalupa, I passed out, and now I'm here. Is that a _problem_?"

"Well, yeah, kind of. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine."

"If you say so."

"I do."

"What're _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, Mr. Hyunh tasted grandma's new recipe and passed out. Turns out that the peanut butter she used was moldy, and the anchovies weren't too fresh, either, so I guess he kind of saved all of our lives."

"…So why does he have a bandage on his head if he just ate some expired food?"

"He hit his head pretty hard on the floor, and he needed a few stitches."

"Crimeny, doesn't_anyone_ have _any_ originality anymore?"

He laughed awkwardly, apparently not getting it, and placed his hand on mine, smiling warmly at me. I felt myself go weak, and was thankful that I was already lying down.

"If you need anything, you know where to find me." He said, taking his warm, gentle hand from mine and walking away to visit Mr. Hyunh.

"Hey, Arnold?" I called to him, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice (curse my loving heart). He spun around, looking back at me. "Thanks." I said, offering the most pleasant smile I possibly could. He returned the grin, then turned back to his extended family, who had apparently come in while he was talking to me.

After about another half an hour, I was discharged, and went home.

For dinner, we had Chateaubrillant or whatever it was that Olga cooked. Some fancy French food or another, like she always does when she comes home. Then she drew me a bubble bath, gave me a foot massage, and tucked me in to bed. Honestly, I kind of liked having her wait on me hand-and-foot. She was like my little slave; for once, I, Helga G. Pataki, was in charge of Olga.

I fell asleep that night thinking of how great it would be to spend the next week or so with Award-Winning Olga Pataki as my personal servant. Can you say, "Hakuna Matata"?

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**A/N: Hope you liked that one. Next Chapter, Helga starts seeing things. FINALLY, the real fun begins. Should be updated by… let's see… if we're lucky, Thursday. Saturday at the latest. Love you guys!**


	3. Los pantalones es el gato

**A/N: Aaaahhhh, I'm so sorry I haven't updated, it's been over a week since my "deadline". It was finals week and I guess I just got caught up in the anxiety and just... I'M SO SORRY!! My friend and I auditioned for Dessert Knight today (it's like a choir fundraiser where choir kidsd sing and perform and people eat dessert and...yeah.) and we have no idea whether we made it or not, so wish us luck! By the way, don't even bother asking where Helga's parents are throughout this chapter, because I really don't know. Let's say Miriam's passed out on the couch and Bob's at work. Or something, haha. Another thing you shouldn't bother me about is how Olga keeps cooking French food. I know, I know, she can cook more than just **_**French**_** food, but I just think she's more of a "Fine French Cuisine" type of person, at least for this chapter and the last. Oh, by the way, if the ending seems cruddy, I know. This was actually only half of chapter three, but I felt so bad for taking so long that I just sort of split it in half.**

**Shout-outs: Pointy Objects, Sarah, toxic-dreamer-2, acosta perez jose ramiro, Hellerik Ferlibay, Athena005.**

**Summary: After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine, Helga, begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to a life of hallucinations with incredibly large chins?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Hey Arnold**_**! or Jay Leno. It would be pretty cool to own Jay Leno, though, wouldn't it?**

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Helga POV

I didn't wake up in my bedroom. I know, it probably sounds really bad (get your mind out of the gutter!) but I swear on my life that I fell _asleep_ in my room. Alone. I know this for a _fact_ because the last thing I thought of before flling asleep was a line from some old Disney movie. Technically I should hate those, seeing as I'm like the love child of Craig Bartett and Nickelodeon, but still, I remember falling asleep in my bed. However, when I woke up this morning, I was on a table. I couldn't really _see_ that I was on a table, but I've been on tables before, and this is what they feel like. I was also strapped down by something thick and leathery, one around my shouldery-chest area, and one around my knees. Craning my neck, I did my best to observe my surroundings. The walls were made of some kind of dark gray stone, and the floor was splintering, rotting wood. A thin film of dust lined everything. Several sets of chains dangled from the walls, and above me hung a number of heavy metal cages.

Suddenly, I heard a creaking, drawing my attention to a large, heavy door by my feet. Through it, I could see Olga's face, grinning at me wickedly. Opening her mouth and revealing a number of yellow, rotting teeth, she spoke in a low, croaky voice.

"Get up, you're late."

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Olga POV

As I was cooking a very special breakfast for my baby sister, Helga, the doorbell rang. I slid her Croque Madame onto a plate, then bounced to the door and pulled it open.

"Oh, hello, Arnold! It's great to see you, it's been oh-too long!" I said to the little blonde-haired boy standing on the stoop. He smiled at me politely.

"Hey, Olga! It's great to see you, too. I was just wondering if Helga needed me to help her get to school today, you know, if she still isn't feeling very good?" he responded, smiling brightly. Arnold was such a very special boy, always smiling and optimistic. I wish my beloved baby sister could be happy like that. Poor, poor Arnold. His parents gone, leaving him all alone with nothing but his grandparents and a funny shaped head. It's almost as sad as when I taught Inuit children... And yet, despite all of the sorrow in Arnold's life, he still managed to show up at our doorstep, bright and early. I flashed him an award-winning grin.

"Oh Arnold, you silly! School doesn't start for another hour!" I chirped, my flaxen hair swishing as I shook my head.

"Um, actually, Olga, school starts in fifteen minutes..."

By the time he had finished his sentence, I was halfway up the stairs. Once I reached Helga's door, I opened it softly, trying not to startle her, but causing a loud creak.

"Get up, you're late!" I exclaimed. She struggled for a moment against her blankets, which had somehow wrapped themselves around her in the night.

"I can't get up, I'm bound to this stupid table!" she shouted. I looked at her pointedly.

"Now, Helga, there is no time for silly games! Your little friend Arnold is downstairs, and you're already late!" I scolded, crossing to the bed and lifting her from the tangled sheets.

"Arnold? Has come to rescue me?" A dreamy look crossed her face as she said this. "Quick, maidservant, dress me and waxeth my unibrow!"

Three minutes later, I led her down the stairs. Now with two separate eyebrows, she had chosen to wear her costume from "Romeo and Juliet" and forced me to braid her hair. The doctor was right about the hallucinations, because my poor baby sister thought she was in the Middle Ages!

Arnold was still at the door, so I ushered her over to him and shooed them both out the door as I waved goodbye. Mentally, I wished Helga's fourth grade class luck, because they were _definitely_ going to need it.

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Arnold POV

I could almost say that Helga was beautiful. Almost.

Aside from the fact that, for whatever reason, she was dressed like she had just come back from the Renaissance Fair, she looked... pretty. I hate to use that word, because it always sounds so kiddish, but I _am_ a kid, so...

I smiled at her as we began walking down the street.

"You look nice today, Helga." I said, trying not to stare. Her hair was plated into a loose braid down her back, and she was wearing her frock from "Romeo and Juliet", not to mention that she now had two thin, delicate eyebrows. She smiled.

"Thank you, sir knight. Now wouldst thou please remove thy mask?"

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Helga POV

I smiled at the figure walking next to me, He was slightly shorter than me, with an oddly shaped helmet on his head. In fact, he was entirely covered in armor. Could it really be, as Olga had said, my one true love, Arnold? Had he really come to save me? In keeping with the medieval theme of this strange place, I spoke.

"Thank you, sir knight. Now wouldst thou please remove thy mask?"

I saw him blink through the helmet.

"Uh, Helga... I'm not _wearing_ a mask." he replied slowly. I giggled.

"Oh kind, brave knight. Thou dost know how to make a lady laugh. Now remove thy helmet, or I shall do it for you."

After a few seconds, he reached up and pulled off his helmet.

You know how earlier I said how much I hate it when my eyes bulge? Yeah, well they did that again, and my mouth fell open.

"Jay Leno?! Jay Leno is my knight in shining armor?!" I screamed, stopping dead in my tracks. Jay covered his mouth with his hand, laughing.

"No, Helga, it's me, Arnold." he choked out, trying to control his laughter. I was getting angry now.

"You are _not_ Arnold! Your chin's too big, and you don't have his wonderfully oblong head or his yummy blonde hair. And your smile doesn't make me go weak in the knees and you don't possess his sweet, melodic voice..." I stopped as I noticed the look on his face. It was almost amused, but mostly surprised.

"So, you must _really_ like this Arnold guy, huh?" Jay said, raising a bushy eyebrow.

I smiled.

"Thou hath _no_ idea."

By now we had come to the edge of a peaceful wood, and he held out a hand to stop me.

"We have to wait here for the bus, Helga." he said.

I was about to ask why a bus would come all the way out here, when a large, fiery red dragon swooped down from above, landed in front of us, and opened it's mouth, as if waiting for us to climb in. I gasped.

"¿Qué es esto?" I asked. It's kind of funny, I don't speak Spanish, but I just sort of blurted it out. Maybe everyone in this place speaks Spanish? That'd be pretty cool, like everyone walking around just randomly speaking Spanish to each other. Like you say hi to someone and you hear, "¡Hola chica¿Dondé esta el bano? Mi mama es muy blanco, y los pantalones es el gato." Talk about crazy.

Jay laughed again, leading me through the mouth and sitting on one of its back molars. Many of the teeth were occupied by children and woodland creatures alike, and I sat down next to Jay.

"Welcome to the bus, Helga." he said, smiling at me. I turned to him worriedly.

"Where is this vile, wretched creature taking us? I'm afraid I haven't a spare petticoat, and--"

All of a sudden, I was leapt upon by something small and furry, knocking me into Jay's lap. Staring down at me was a white and black spotted puppy. It looked like a Dalmatian or something, like from that one _other_ Disney movie (there I go again, always referencing Disney) and it seemed to be smiling down at me.

"Helga, you're okay! When I head you were in the hospital, I--"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT'S TALKING DOG! GET IT OFF ME!" I screamed. The dog looked hurt, as Bilbo Baggins emerged from the tooth behind us and placed a hand on  
"Snoopy's" shoulder.

"Helga, it's Pheobe. You know, your best friend?" said Bilbo.

"Dost thou mock me, Bilbo Baggins? I'm certain I would not befriend a filthy animal." I replied, offended. Bilbo chuckled.

"Bilbo? Who the h-e-double-hockey sticks is Bilbo?" he asked, still laughing. Jay leaned toward him.

"_You're_ Bilbo, remember? You're Bilbo Baggins and I'm Jay Leno. And this is Pheobe... the talking dog..." He said the last part with some reluctance. Bilbo smiled.

"Whatever you say, Ar-- I mean, Jay." he said, as they both united in some sort of strange handshake. It was a lot like the one Arnold and Gerald always did, but it seemed so much more mystical when it was between a hobbit and a big-chinned mutant.

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**A/N: Oh my gosh, that was a beast to write. I kinda wish I hadn't cut it in two, but anyways, here it is, hope you liked it! As always, read and review.**


	4. What a creeper

**A/N: Wow, this took way too long, I'm SO SORRY. I've just been busy with life or lack thereof... again, I'm SO SORRY! In fact, I will give each and every one of you a cyber-lollipop. But yeah, we did Dessert Knight, apparently we were awesome! I'm so happy. There's nothing else interesting in my life... just been busy with Jazz Choir, voice lessons, Dessert Knight, all that stuff... BUT ANYWAYS here's the update! Oh, by the way, I apologize in advance for any typos, misspellings, etc. etc. I don't have Word on my laptop, only Wordpad, so typing is like a disaster waiting to happen. I should get Word soon, though. (AAAHHH One more thing. I'm grounded, and therefore shouldn't be typing this. HOWEVER I'm amazing and managed to persuade my aunt to let me type for a while, so, you know, be grateful). OH OH!! My birthday is April 12, it's my sweet sixteen! Send me nice messages?**

**Shout-Outs: **

**Sarah YES WRITE STRONG! STRONG LIKE ASIAN NO. 5!**

**Pointy Objects Thanks, I tried SO HARD to make it all make sense. (By the way, OH MY GOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FAVOURITE AUTHOR. You are amazing, I'm really honored.)**

**Rachael Thanks so much! I love you!**

**acosta perez jose ramiro Haha, druggie caterpillar.**

**st astryr of the uncool Awww, thank you so much! It means a lot to me.**

**Athena005 Haha, thanks so much.**

**Hellerick Ferlibay I updated, HAPPY now?! And yeah, sorry, I tried to make this one longer and less choppy, but I probably failed, haha.**

**Annie You mean butt. Hmph. I don't know why I talk to you. Jk, you know I love you, thanks for the sweet review!**

**Arnolds Love Thanks so much! That means a lot coming from you. But yeah, haha, after you read this chapter and all, your whole, "She'll be so embarassed" thing will be SO MUCH WORSE, haha.**

**Kaydance YES, THE TERRORS OF FISH AND PEANUT BUTTER!! (Capital letters are MY friends, also, no way!)**

**Miscellaneous Blasphemy Updated, dahling! Thanks for the nice review.**

**EVERYONE YAY Thanks for such nice review! I love you all! SPREAD THE LOVE!**

**Summary:****After an unfortunate incident at a fast-food restaurant, our young heroine, Helga, begins seeing things—talking dogs, belly-dancing hippos, even Jay Leno. Can her football-headed love-bug revive her from the spell, or will she be doomed to a life of hallucinations with incredibly large chins?**

**Disclaimer: HEY ARNOLD IS MINE, ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHA-- no, I wish. Not mine at all. Sob, sob. I also do not own the song, it's "Teddybear" by Toy-Box (Mine's kind of a condensed version, though).**

**Warnings About Next Chapter: I decided to have a new thing about certain things you may ask about or find strange in the next chapter. You may not get what I say NOW but I want you to know BEFORE you read it that I have a REASON for them. Not really spoilers (I tried to keep it vague) but if you don't like knowing ANYTHING before you read, then don't touch it. So... here we go! The whole thing with Lila... she always seemed like she was "too good to be true" so I wanted to add this little thing to her personality. Arnold might seem a little OOC, but when pushed into that situation... I mean, he's hugging the walking unibrow (then again, she DID tweeze it...), so... Anyways, I'm not so great at normal POV **_**or**_** writing about people singing, so that entire section is a disaster, SORRY!**

(Still) Helga POV

Phoebe the Talking Dog moved to sit with Bilbo on the tooth behind us. She smiled at me nervously.

"Helga... may I ask you something?" she said, looking slightly afraid.

"Of course, my furry canine friend!" I responded brightly. "Asketh away!"

She paused for a moment, rubbing the back of her neck with her paw.

"Um... exactly what are you wearing?" she asked, glancing down at my neatly ironed frock.

"Why, 'tis a frock, dear Snoopy!" I responded.

"Actually, it's Phoebe."

"Well anyways, I wouldn't expect a barbaric animal such as yourself to understand. By the way, did I tell you that my best friend's name doth be Phoebe?"

"Well of course, Helga, because I'm--"

She was cut off by a stern look from Bilbo.

"Your loveable animal guardian!" he finished for her. I nodded understandingly, although honestly, I didn't understand at all. There's lots of things I don't understand. Like... why do all the schools have the same carpeting? I mean, crimeny! Try for some originality, people! Not to mention it's the one type of carpet that you can _never _get gum out of. It's madness.

I'm not going to bother telling you about the rest of the ride. Too dull. After a while, the dragon spit us out. Most people stepped out of his mouth as if walking out of a giant lizard's mouth were normal, but I was distracted by the sharp, pointed teeth that could snap closed at any moment, break me in two, tear me limb from limb... and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, my cheek raw where it had colided with what _felt_ like solid concrete, but looked like soft, pure white sand. Jay helped my up and led me away from the dragon.

We were then herded into a small seaside villa and seated in a stuffy little parlor with peeling paisley wallpaper. Standing in front of us was a man whom I could've sworn was Mr. Simmons.. but no, it couldn't be. This man, this Mr. Simmons _imposter_ was wearing a pink, floor-length gown, complete with a hoop skirt and pink riding boots. His face was covered with white powder, with long glue-on eyelashes and shimmering pink blush-stained cheeks. He smiled.

"Hello, Class!" he sang, flashing a blinding grin. The children and woodland creatures in the room gave their own cheerful responses. He began a long-winded math lesson, scribbling madly with bright red lipstick on the wall. After some time, a large, wart-covered toad burst into the room.

"Mr. Simmons, come quick! There's been an accident in the teacher's lounge!" the toad croaked, and the pink-clad man immediately jumped to his feet and followed it out the door. Haha, get it? It's like "The Frog Prince" but with a crossdresser.

I sneezed. Those last two words weren't very important, were they? "I sneezed." Oh, yeah, because you definitely care about that. The most important part of my day, no, my _life_. Let me tell ya.

I heard a loud, obnoxious laughing behind me, and turned around to see a fat, pink pig, snorting and squealing with laughter. Next to him sat a mouse with an unusually long nose and an aparagus who seemed to be telling a story. Great, talking vegetables. Just what my life needed. As he finished his story, the pig's eyes shifted to me and lit up.

"Look, it's _Helga Pataki_!" he yelled, putting emphasis on my name as if it were a joke. What an idiot. "What did you do to your face, _Heeeeeeelgaaaaa_? Where's your big, dumb caterpillar eyebrow?"

I blinked slowly, unsure of what to say. How did he even know about my unibrow? I just met him, like... now? His yellow eyes watched me, laughter dancing through them. I stepped towards him, watching fear cross his face.

"That is no way to speaketh with a fair maiden, you filthy boar. Apologize." I commanded.

"I'm sorry you're so _ugly_, Helga!" he shouted, earning an appreciative laugh from his friends. Before he knew what was happening, I raised my hand and slapped him swiftly across the face, leaving a burning red handprint. Forget blush, ladies, just give me a couple of dollars and let me slap you around a little.

I heard a gasp from behind me and spun around, coming face-to-face with Jackie Chan, a look of horror distorting his sharp features.

"Helga... I'm ever-so certain you shouldn't hit Harold... I mean, it just seems ever-so rude..." he said politely, a stern yet sweet tone flowing through his heavily-accented voice. He sounded like the Asian Lila. Uh... that is... if Lila were a man. Then again, you never know. She could turn out to be a crossdresser, like that guy who looked like Mr. Simmons. I wonder where that guy went? Wait, wait, wait. If Lila were a man... I would get Arnold all to myself! I can almost picture it...him, his hair slicked back, a smooth, black moustache seated above his lip, flowing in the breeze... mental-sigh

Suddenly, Jay walked over and placed a hand on Jackie's shoulder.

"Helga's just a little bit confused today, I'm sure she didn't mean it." he said reassuringly. A surge of jealousy coursed through my body. He was supposed to be taking care of _me_, making _me _feel better! I growled and pushed Jackie Chan. _Hard_.

"Back off, Jackie Chan! Jay is _mine_!" I shouted, completely forgetting about the Olde English theme. That and Nikki's too lazy to write in angry-Shakespearian.

He crashed to the ground, taking a number of desks down with him. He seemed dazed and merely sat there. Jay looked livid.

"Helga, what has gotten in to you?! Why would you do that?!" he screamed. Fire burned in his eyes, and Jackie slowly rose to his feet.

"Helga, I find your feelings for Arnold just ever-so adorable and all, just ever-so much, but violence is never the answer. Besides, as I'm sure I've told him ever-so many times, I don't like-him-like-him, I just like-him."

"Who _cares_ about Arnold?! I'm talking about you stealing my 'knight in shining armor' here! Crimeny!"

Jay grabbed my arm and spun me to face him.

"Helga, no one's stealing me! Violence is _not_ the answer." he said. I wondered why everyone was giving me that, "violence-isn't-the-answer" crap. Hmph, yeah right. _Every_ problem can be solved with a good, hard punch. But I decided to play the innocence card.

"I... I was afraid to lose you, Jay..."

Lila POV (Ooooooh, new POV!)

Helga has lost it. I mean, I'm ever-so sure that whatever she went through was rough, but honestly, she's starting to scare me. I mean, first she calls me Jackie Chan and pushes me over, then she says, "who cares about Arnold" which is just ever-so unlike her... I mean, she's just ever-so smitten with him, it's oh-so disgusting. He doesn't even like-her-like-her. Whereas me, well I'm just certain I've got him eating out of the palm of my hand. He doesn't realize how stupid he looks, always trying to win me over. Then again, the life of a con-artist is never easy. But now, right when I've got him right where I wanted, she has to go and have an ever-so inconvenient crisis, and starts trying to work him over with her big blue eyes and her "I was scared to lose you" act. And he's falling for it, just ever-so hard.

"Helga..." he said just oh-so sweetly, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You don't need to worry about losing me. I'm not going anywhere."

She threw her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder just ever-so awkwardly. It's funny how much taller than him she is. He froze for a moment, then hugged back, an odd look crossing his face. A look he used to give to _me_...

Helga G. Pataki is going down.

Arnold POV

Something's wrong with me. I'm hugging Helga. Helga G. Pataki. Helga the horrible. And I like it.

Maybe this is all a dream.Maybe _I'm_ the one who ate that bad Chalupa. Let's see...

Funny feeling in my stomach? Check.

Warm, feverish face? Check.

Dry mouth? Check.

Sweaty palms? Check.

That's it, then. I ate a bad Chalupa. I'm dreaming. That's all there is to it. Except I've never even been to Taco Bell. I don't even know what a Chalupa _is_.

Then all of those symptoms, the funny feeling, the sweaty palms, they must mean...

Oh, no.

Helga POV

Jay jumped away from me.

"Uh... it's uh... look! It's lunch time!" he stammered, pointing to an old grandfather clock next to the door **(A/N: Whatever was going on in the teacher's lounge is taking forever, no?)**. Despite the absence of our "teacher", the other occupants of the room stampeded out of the stuffy parlor. All that was left was me, Jay, Bilbo, and Phoebe the Talking Dog. The four of us began our trek to the dining hall. On the way, I pondered my previous actions. Why the heck would I hug Jay Leno, of all people? And he hugged me back, the pervert. What a creeper. But honestly, it felt nice. He hugs the same way Arnold does, with his arms firmly around me, his golden hair tickling the side of my face... I allowed a sigh to escape my lips, yet it was ignored my the others (thankfully).

After being served gruel at the buffet, we took a seat at a round wooden table. There was silence as we ate, but then I remembered something I read in some stupid fairytale or something a long time ago.

"Oh, kinda sir knight Jay Leno, where are my manners? As is customary, I shall now grace thee with a song, as thanks for rescuing me from Ye-Olde-Wicked-Witch-Beast-Vampire, Olga."

"A... A song?! Really, Helga, that isn't nece--"

"Hit it, ladies!"

Normal POV (Here comes PAIN)

Soft, gentle music began playing as the lunch ladies pulled various instruments from under their respective counters. Helga pulled a microphone from inside of her dress, along with an amplification system and backup mics for Rhonda, Sheena, and Phoebe, who took them, startled that she could fit so much in her shirt and not look awkwardly bulgy. As the tune progressed, Helga lifted the microphone to her lips and began to sing.

"_Mon cherie, baby,_

_Let us light a candle-light!_

_Voulez vous couchez?_

_'Cause it's cozy here tonight!_"

She crooned, leaping to her feet and stepping onto the table.

"_Aha, you're wearing Calvin Klein,_

_And I am not a fool!_

_There must be something in the wine,_

_'Cause I think I love yooooou!_"

Arnold's eyes had been wide as the performance continued, and they only got wider as he was uncerimoniously yanked onto tthe table and was left standing next to Helga, who was now getting into the chorus.

"_Kiss me here,_

_And kiss me there,_

_I wanna be your little teddybear!_"

Suddenly, Lila leapt between them, getting close to Arnold and singing loudly.

"_Kiss me here,_

_And touch me there!_"

She had barely finished the phrase when she was pushed away by a very angry Helga, who regained her composure just in time to continue the rediculously cheesy song.

"_Come on and show me that you really care!_"

And Arnold _did_ care. He allowed the thought to fill his mind as the music progressed.

"_Mon cherie, Baby!_

_I am burning for your tou-houch!_

Je ne sais pas porquoi...

_But I really missed you mu-huch!_"

He asked himself, was it really so bad to be in love with Helga G. Pataki? No, it wasn't. A smile danced across his face as a zoo keeper rolled a cage of hippos into the room, transluscent cloth draped across their corpulent bodies. With a crack of his whip, they began swaying their hips to the beat. That's right, belly-dancing hippos. In _normal_ POV. How cool is that?!

By the time Arnold had pulled his eyes from the hippos, everyone in the room was involved in the musical fiasco, and the song was almost over. He felt something being handed to him and looked down to see that he was holding a microphone. Some unidentifiable force pulled it to his lipes, and the next thing he knew, he was singing.

"_Baby, I'll never let you down._

_'Cause the first time I saw you, _

_I was like, Wow!_

_So don't talk, just kiss..._"

And as the music slowed, Arnolds decided to do just that. The hippos, students, lunchladies, zookeeper, and Helga all went into a "grand finale" type of deal as Arnold slowly inched himself closer. Helga finished off the song on an unexpectedly high note, then lowered the microphone and breathed a sigh of relief. The other occupants of the room looked at eachother, confused as to why the had all burst into perfect harmony on a song none of them had ever heard before, and the zoo keeper, after discovering that this was _not_ the new hippo cage at the Hillwood zoo, rolled his charges out of the room. And all the while, Arnold was getting closer and closer and closer. Helga glanced up, her eyes wide with shock at seeing "Jay Leno" standing so close. Before she could say anything, he had closed the gap between their lips.

**A/N: And there it is. Just as a heads-up, next chapter will be when Helga comes to her senses for a little bit, I'm not sure if I want to keep it like that and end it on the chapter AFTER the next chapter, or if I want to just have it me a short little "OMG I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON" thing and then have her lapse back into her little delisional world the next morning when she wakes up or something. All I know is how I'm going to end it, and other than that, I'm in the dark. Well, I know how I'm starting the next chapter. So I should type it. But yeah. Review with opinions on my dilemma? Review with ANYTHING that isn't not-nice? Yay, let's do this! LOVE YOU GUYS! (Btw, if I got any lyrics wrong up there I apologize. I did the song part thing entirely from memory, so, you know, sorry).**


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